Haiku and Limericks
from the Balaam's Talking Mule guestbook
Various artists, 2000-2001
The following haiku and limericks come from the Balaam's Talking Mule guestbook, in operation at the band's website from 1998 until 2001, when the band broke up. Many of you may have been fans, frequenting the shows and the guestbook, and many of you may have never heard of Balaam's Talking Mule. Still, I salvaged these a few years ago, and they not only remind me of all the fun and crazy discussions and topics we all ranted about in the guestbook, but many of them are very creative poems. We used our guestbook for a sort of forum, where discussions of serious ethical, cultural, and spiritual issues took place, but with an equal amount of fun and absolute craziness. These poems are an example of the crazier times. The authors are not all known, but the most frequent contributers were:
Jonathan Gill (lead singer of BTM)
Matthew Gill (my brother, and lyrical contributor to BTM)
Andrew Watson (trombone player of BTM)
Jennifer Toy (sister of bassist of BTM)
Luke Allison (previous bassist of BTM)
These poems are saved in chronological order, even though the entries that went with or between them have not been saved. Spanning several months, they bring us up to about 1 week before the band's last show, on February 10, 2001. Context is only given when necessary, though many people that were there at the time may find more inside jokes and references than can easily be seen from someone who was not there.
Enjoy!
'sincere true spirit
creates inward cathedral
pure simplicity'
****
Randomness is good
Watson just got new 'puter
His first post with it
****
Oh how difficult
To create a random poem
without sounding dull.
****
Unknown hollow breeze
Cruising random mutations
Reflects inward arch
****
Balaam's Talking Mule
made from the Creator's clay.
Go see them today!
****
Aaron does look like
A big tall furry panda
When will he learn this?
****
Sincere baroque monsoon
celebrating inward gate
cruising mutations
****
When a poet stands
accused for being faulty
poetry defends.
****
Balaam's Talking Mule
They are always playing songs.
Lets all sing and skank!
****
January 6th
Is in fact not a Thursday
It is Saturday
****
six months in prison
(allegedly without rape)
now home for a while
****
Crazy people sign
This new guestbook all the time
But this haiku rhymes.
****
All of us agree
Andrew is haiku-cuckoo
Well aren't we all?
****
Trombone and guitar,
drums and a bass player too
and a saxophone.
Listen to them play
as they give praise to the Lord.
Sing to us the truth.
Melodic tunes and
groovy rhythms make the crowd
want to move around.
Never afraid to
try something new and give us
only the best stuff.
Play on, guys! Play on!
Give us what we want to hear...
hey..its what we want!
And now its the end
of this wonderful haiku...
wasn't that great fun?!?
****
Lyrics are little
Music is a little more
Haikus are the most.
Getting points across
Saying as little as this
Is quite a neat skill.
Indeed if I had
As masterful a skill as
some, I would be proud.
For a good haiku
Is the epitome of
expressive poems.[2 syllables this time]
But none can compare
To the Balaam's Talking Mule
Haiku-filled guestbook.
****
My last post here was
Misconstrued by Diana
I thought she did good
I was not trying
To say she did not write those
We all know she's skilled
Had she not brought here
The beauty of the Haiku
Sad Nerd would I be
****
Little did you know
Or maybe you figured out
That "Randy" is me.
This experience
Has been quite valuable
For my poetry
For now I have learned
The most prestigious haiku
Rather thoroughly.
Thanks to Diana
For beginning this whole thing
You make us all proud
I wish we had such
Incredible talent in
Balaam's Talking Mule
But to all our fans
You have shown us your talents;
We cannot repay.
I want to thank you
For enjoying the beauty
Of haikus with us!
****
...But that doesn't mean
That it has to end right now
Let them continue!
****
Diana is here
Let us all rejoice because
her haikus are back!
I did not mean to
Create such a stir although
it looks like I have.
Smiling I was
when i viewed the haiku page
apologizing
Indeed, haikus are
cool tools to express yourself.
Poetry is too!
Keep in mind, that all
should see her photographs from
Balaam’s shows of past.
She indeed, takes some
darn good pictures of the mules
You can ask Aaron.
Aaron has pictures
on the ceiling of his car
all go and see them.
Perhaps if Watson
permits, I will scan some of
the pics to display.
I am in school
and must get back to my work.
More haikus will come.
****
Having a bad day?
Buck up, because haikus are
Going on full force!
There's nothing like a
Bit of haiku poetry
To cheer someone up.
Indeed if I was
As happy as all of you
I would write haikus
But see I am not
And yet I find solace in
Writing four haikus.
****
that almost stopped the
wonderful haikus we were
having, but not quite!
****
Nothing can stop the
awesome powers of haiku.
No need to worry!
Not lightning nor hail.
Not even a talking mule!
Long live the haiku!
The snow is falling
and I am inside my house.
Yay for space heaters!
My toes are still cold
and its quite possible that
that they will always be.
There truly is no
point to this random haiku.
Stop reading it here!!!
****
i am sorry that
i ever brought up haikus
so there ha ha ha
****
it is amazing
that so many haikus can
be about nothing
in fact, you are still
reading this even though it
is really worthless
it's time to move on
let the silly words rest in
peace. up with glucose!
no longer shall this
page be a page of pages
but shall be wigwams
it is a funny
question that i want to ask:
no, maybe not yet.
okay, now i can
ask without hope of any
gross retribution
i think the question
i was going to ask went
a little like this
did you know that a
haiku can also be a
haiku if the lines
have ten syllables in the first line and
seven in the second one?
ha! rail at me for making one thought be
in two adjoining haikus
if you have read this far and still can't stop,
you are not sad but sorry.
try to do something more with your life than
making up worthless haikus
or not. if that floats your boat, by all means
let the foolishness go on.
****
There once was a girl named Nicole
To beat out haikus was her goal
when limericks she wrote
haikus were soon smote
And septidecimal heads did roll.
If you want something that takes talent
A limerick's a poem that's most galant.
When put to the test
They prove to be best
And are as catchy as they are valiant.
It's harder to come up with a poem
Than to find a ten-footed gnome
But if you don't buy it
Then I suggest you try it
For now the true poem's coming home!
****
When working out life's little quirks
You'll find writing limericks works
Even though they are sappy
They'll make you so happy
And quickly your happy mood perks!
Haikus are a thing of the past
Seventeen syllables never would last
the limerick's the thing
that we are entering
The changeover is natural and fast!
Watson will like these I'm sure
Limericks are poetry pure
Even more than haikus
Which are yesterday's news
We'll limerick into the new year!
and the obligatory balaam one:
Balaam's shows are coming to you
Fast and furious we do what we do
So come to a show
Sing a song that you know
In fact, you should come and see two!
****
Here's my story of how I found a ten-footed gnome.
it was not so hard as you may think...
I once found a ten-footed gnome
He was a young'un, without any home
so I gave him a bath
and then gave him some cash
and now he's back out on his own!
we leprechauns know how homeless ten-footed gnomes feel...
catch us if you can!!!
****
Should one mourn the leaving of the Haiku?
When Limericks become the thing to do?
The past few weeks have been grand,
When reading the haikus that weren't bland,
But now we're all on to something new!
There once was a guy named Watson
Who has a story a lot like this one
When amidst a plethora of Haikus
He submitted some Limmericks too
But unlike here, the people who perpetuated the Limericks were none.
And now, a Limerick in celebration of today and tomorrow:
2000 years ago this day
A young child was born in the hay
His entrace was informal
But this child was not normal
For he came to save the world all the way!
Have a great Christmas everyone!
****
When getting a limerick's beat
You can count by tapping your feet
But if you get lost
Your rhythm gets crossed
And then you'll be under some heat.
****
the sixlets of comduran fame
have made for themselves such a name
that no one can say
that night is not day
for the wombats in numbers they came
ogdan had many fine wives
each had little wombats in fives
they fed them all cats
and fled from the bats
but then they ran into bee hives
sally sold sea shells galore
though camels have humps and manure
my little friend russ
didn't know how to cuss
and the raven quoth nevermore
lee lent larry a lamp
dan dented deedee's dog Damp
my mommy makes meats
the tomboy takes treats
and annie annoys all the ants
****
from "head of Abraham Lincoln":
fourscore and seven ago
our forefathers just didn't know
that soon we'd be dead
and now I'm a head
and stuck here with no place to go.
****
There once was a nosehead named Luke
His nose was the size of a gook
he played with his hair
in the mirror he did stare
and his vanity soon made me puke.
The milk I puked in was so sour
I couldn't get out for an hour
it ate at my skin
the milk I was in
and it wilted the rare Swedish flour.
The rare Swedish flour was sad
it answered the newspaper ad
for a coroner's job
investigating Ty Cobb
But they had already found a new lad
There once was a good lad named Tim
The milk and the flour hated him
they conspired together
and dressed him in leather
and now he is not very slim.
Leather is not good for wear
Though it does not easily tear
it holds in your gut
and enlarges your butt
and makes you grow long nasty hair.
****
"How to make Lemming Loaf"
Way up in the arctic coves
the lemmings come running in droves
their purpose they miss
when they jump off the cliffs
and now they're in fruitcake loaves
Take lemming and well-milled rice flour
add milk and knead for an hour
if the lemmings get free
please don't blame me
they run on peer pressure power.
when kneading the lemming loaf dough
take care not to let them all know
that into the pot
is their next spot
and then into the oven they go!
If they stay put they should take
about 45 minutes to bake
and when they are done
it's such scrumptious fun
and oh what a pleasure to make!
****
A long thousand years has just passed
Oh, how the time goes by fast!
This next millenium is young
With new tales to be sung
Only what's done for Christ will last...
****
There once was an anonymous mole
To insult poets was his goal
But if he were found
His head we would pound
And bury him neck-deep in a hole
He(she) who these limericks insult
Belongs to the Anonymous Cult
They like to play games
Without telling their names
But insulting is the only result
****
the red heater had no real legs
it has only ivory pegs
i tipped it too much
the food it did touch
and now i have ten scrambled eggs
****
There once was a guestbook named Balaam,
'twas a nice little linguist asylum
there were famed writers stemming,
as well as some lemmings -
its readers soon formed a new phylum.
****
There was a young lady named Stella
Who fell in love with a bow-legged fella
But when she sat on his lap
She fell right through the gap
And ended up down in the cella'!
[this poem in no way condones premarital lap-sitting]
****
When your throat is all itchy and sore
Ricola will soothe to the core
But if in the Alps you abide
Please don't cause a landslide
'Cuz that's not what they're really for!
RRRIIIIICOOOOOOLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! (ouch)
****
it's friday night, it's saturday morning.
Evening passes without warning
cleaning up from an awesome show
gee I hate to see you go
smell of sweat is in the air
dirty juice covers skin so fair
lights come up, heat goes down
No one leaves with a frown
coffee runs through everyone's veins
caffeine gives us our muscle strains...
yay for Rockwater! yay for Balaam!
Their songs are cool, thanks for playin' them...
****
So ends the Balaam's Talking Mule Guestbook Saga. The last poem (though not a haiku or limerick) was written after a January 2001 show at the Rockwater Cafe in Wausau, WI, one of our favorite road gigs. We did not know it would be our second-to-last show, but it's a good ending to a great time in my life and all who participated. I hope you enjoyed it!
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